?

Log in

ramblings   
05:39pm 06/08/2007
 
mood: contemplative
I have writer's block. i think I'm just going to type and type and whatever comes out, so be it. The other night, I did something I hadn't done in almost five years.

Position, snap, separation;
In the beginning, I am scared.
Eyes...Watching.
Thoughts...swarming.
Heart... racing.
Shrinking, dissolving, alone;
Mayhap it was brief, but a lifetime in getting through.
Eyes...bleeding.
Thoughts...consuming.
Heart's...breaking.
I want to be free.
(Actually, I still feel alone. I can't help it.)
There is only  brief escape; a wistful glimpse at the life elusive.
(Surrounded by people, still I am alone in my mind).
Three minutes, an hour, tick tock;
I fly past the clock.
Eyes...probing.
Thoughts...spilling.
Heart...open.
Everything, nothing, between;
Distant strangulation; makes mind manipulation.
Eyes...dancing.
Thoughts...auspicious.
Heart...alight
I've been made free.
(Tonight, we dance on clouds of hope.)
There is only  brief reprieve; a wistful glimpse at the life elusive.
(Tonight, tonight is everything.) 
Diving, shaking, clenching;
Grips loosen, I felt it slipping away.
Eyes...burdened.
Thoughts...distant.
Heart...beats.
(Tonight, we danced on clouds of hope.)
There is only brief reprieve; a wistful glimpse at the life elusive.
(Tonight, tonight was everything to me.) 
Until next time.
 
 
     Post
 
hahaha dear god   
04:31am 29/06/2007
 
mood: amused
wasn't i just so full of anguish?!?!
ahhh the joys of puberty and such ;9
i'll write soon, lovelies!
:D
 
     Post
 
oh my dear god i broke my way in!!!   
04:13am 29/06/2007
 
mood: amused
hahahahahahahaha i am GOD ;9
i'll be here soooo often now ;9
i'm so excited!!!
:D
 
     Post
 
I fucking hate computers..   
12:02pm 29/01/2004
  I just had a long journal entry in here and I just lost it all. Ugh. Everything bites me in my juicy ass.  
     Post
 
I've missed you, my friends....   
10:33am 27/01/2004
 
mood: contemplative
Wow. I can't even believe that it's been so long since I've written. Right now I'm having a slow stretch here at work. I work for Lillie's mom in her law office as the secretary/receptionist. It's actually the most enjoyable job I've had so far. I get to sit back here in my little space, just doing my damn thing, to do what I have to. It's seems to work a lot better for me. She pays me $8/hr. supposedly, but we'll see how it all adds up when she pays me on Thursday or Friday. I'm having some problems with some stuff...I don't know what to do about it. See, on Thanksgiving, I started dating a guy who is really nice to me and treats me like I walk on clouds. But lately...I don't know what's happened, but things just aren't the same. I mean, he still treats me the same, that's not the problem. The problem is with me. I don't feel the same. I don't know if it's because of all the things I'm going through right now, or the amount of time we're together, or the fact that I never really get an opportunity to just kick back with friends, or that there's something wrong between me and him. With a list of possibilities as long as mine, I can't afford to take such a big risk right now about him. I don't know if I want to be without him at all, or if I think I might not be ready for all of this, or if maybe we just aren't right for each other. I don't seem to know anything. Except that I want to live my life. I want to accomplish all those things that I've been planning to do for most of my life, I want to have fun, I want to be me. And I don't feel like this is me. I mean, I'm doing better than I've been in years. I'm really growing up and learning how to buckle down and get shit done. But yet...I'm still floating through my day in a daze, not really living, trying to escape. But I don't know what I'm trying to escape from...My mom is off my ass, I'm not living with her and it seems to suit us fine; My job is pretty enjoyable, I have a boyfriend that treats me like I've never been treated before; and still, I feel like running sometimes. Where I would run to, how I would feel if I really ran, are all mysteries to me. I'm still sticking around because I don't want to give up on the person who loves me sooo much that no matter what I do, he's there, and have it be the worst decision I've ever made. I don't think I could handle it. But then again, I don't think I could handle it just being with someone who isn't fulfilling me in some way, despite his most valiant efforts. I want to go back to school, I want to graduate, I want to do it with honors. I want to have the abilities I once possessed. I'm afraid that I've permanently damaged some of my abilities and opportuniies. That's the worst part...the long-term consequences of your actions. They'll bite you right in the juicy part of your ass. I want to heal. I want to really smile again. I want to do Yoga. I'm hoping to enroll myself in some classes soon. I want to get my body into shape. I'm only 17 years old. I shouldn't feel like I'm hitting half a century. I want to quit smoking cigarettes...but I think the hardest part it, what do I do now with the time I used to pass by smoking? Because I could definitely live without smoking. Much longer. But at my worst, I was 15 and smoking 3 packs a day for a year. Ouch. If I could look at the inside of my body, I would absolutely detest myself. And my brain...my brain that was equipped to accomplish so much more, to be stretched much farther, what kind of havoc have I senselessly wreaked upon it? Sometimes I feel like I don't work right. ANd maybe I don't work right yet. But it should be coming soon. After all, it's been over a year since I've used most of my favorite mind-altering tools, and since about May since I've done speed. So almost 9 months. So that's really good. Couldn't be happier about that. Who knows, maybe it'll all come together in the end. I've learned to just hang in there and ride out the storm. Ok, well, I better get back to work...not like I've anything left to do anyhow...but...Peace!
 
     Post
 
   
12:43pm 22/07/2003
 
mood: crushed
I don't know what I'm doing or what I'm going to convey...I don't know. I can barely function, though not for lack of trying. Trying to overcome the swells of pain undulating in my chest. Trying, without conviction, to find acceptance in this. Desperate to barricade the once beautifully comforting souvenirs of our past, and yet desperate still to hold on to them, to hide, wait in reminiscence for you to brave my sea of lonely and drain it all away. Watching the sky explode, red and pleading, as you sear through my being, finding my only comfort in knowing that damage done wasn't design. Friends, you say, wait....But am I waiting for you or am I waiting for the moment I can accept this change? Surely it can't be both, and yet...Swirling in the vortex of emotions within myself....and I can't find the shore. Please...I'll endure the strain on my strength, I'll bear the weight on my heart, exist with my painfully hollowed core, if only for the possibilty of being washed once more upon your shore. Please. I love you.
 
     Post
 
dum deh dum dum DUUUM   
03:55pm 08/06/2003
 
mood: pensive
Damn it's been a while since I've written. Haven't had access to internet in a long minute. So right now, my situation is...I'm living with my fiancee (Larry) and his mom...during the week. For weekends, we usually go to Larry's dad's house, which is where I am right now. I only have access to a phone and the internet while I'm over here, so it makes things complicated. Still on a search for a job. Hopefully Babies R Us works out, but I don't have too high of hopes. Gotta also work shit out with my mom and dad so that I can go get my driver's license...my permit expired last month and I'm pretty pissed that I have no form of valid I.D., not to mention that I could have obtained my license nearly half a year ago. But, just as shit in a big porcelain bowl, life twirls. Hope exists...Sammy's coming back. This isolation is kicking my ass. I'm so tired of not having fun with friends anymore. I had to move on from my old friends because they didn't repect Larry (especially in front of me). I mean, just because you want me and can't have me is no reason to degrade the one I love, which in turn is disrespecting me. So maybe this is a sign that things will start looking up. I really have no leg with which to stand on right now. I never thought that finding a job in Vegas, of all places, would be difficult. But hey, if you're under 18, you don't have many options, especially not options to enable you to support yourself and a family. But, I'm working on it. Keep the fingers crossed. God damn, man...I'm in need of a goooooood blaze. Just a little relaxation in a world of stress and confusion. Soon enough, soon enough. I gotta decide which school I'm gonna go to. Soon as I turn in my Independent Study books, I think I'm gonna do Adult Education....five days a week, work at your own pace (with teacher's help as well), I figure I graduate by the end of the summer...at most, by mid-August. I only have a few credits left to earn...Government, English IV, A third math, Half of U.S history, and 1/4 of English III. All in all, with my concentratioin and dedication, the shit will be mucho easy-o....something like that. Anywhoo...it was nice to write, but if I keep going, I'll babble needlessly for hours. So, I'll take this cue to sign off. Peace.
 
     Post
 
   
05:52pm 08/04/2003
  Well...Larry's gone...we took him to the airport this morning. His original departure time was 11 a.m., but when we got there, we were told that it'd been delayed...it's now 5:52 p.m. and still no word from Larry........getting really worried.  
     Read 1 - Post
 
   
09:08pm 29/01/2003
 
mood: hmmm...
Just got off the phone with Tony about 7 minutes ago. Yes, Tony the Tony you're thinking of. I called him two nights ago and left a message coz for some reason, I thought it was his b-day. Anyway, he called last night since I gave him my number in my message. So we've been talking on and off like, since 5 pm. I'm really hoping that since he started talking to me again, I can get close enough to him to really get through to him. But I can't do it too soon, coz he's not quite ready to change yet. But I can tell he wants to, deep down. He's just trying to cope with life (same old story, different victim), but like so many of us, he's going about it in the wrong way. You know what I found out from him yesterday? The last time he was WITH someone was in like, mid August....with me. He's going on 6 months. I can't help but wonder why, but I can't let myself care. I can't let the fact that I care about him (of course I care, he was one of my best friends) trick me into taking him under my wing completely. Or trying to. The only result from doing that would be pain from him not being ready. Anywhoo...I miss Larry. I'ma go now. I'll post later sometime. Peace.
 
     Post
 
   
08:53pm 28/01/2003
  Hmmm...it's been a long time, eh? We're gonna be moving into our house on Thursday. Can't wait. Still, I'm actually gonna miss this place. So many memories here, even if I was really fucked up at the time. Still, can't forget. Plus, this apartment is like, the original stoner den. Good times, good times. Oh well...I'll start over. I miss Larry like hell. It's so hard to sleep without him next to me, holding me, and kissing me when he turns over. That's the best time. He means everything in the world to me. I never want to lose him. I just keep being afraid that once he leaves, he'll decide that this isn't right. But it is. It's so right that it scares me. But I wouldn't trade it for anything in this solar system. Our 3 month was on Sunday. It seems so much longer than that, but yet the time has really flown by. I wish it would slow down to delay his leaving. It's really gonna tear me apart when he goes. I mean, don't get me wrong, I would never be so selfish to ask him to stay. I WANT him to go. It'll be good for his life. But that's half a year at a time of not being able to look into his eyes and melt every fucking time, not being able to curl up in his arms, not whispering I love you in his ear. Ok, now I'm crying. He just...completes me...in a non-Dr. Evil - Mini Me sort of way :) Now I really miss him. I'ma go to bed now. Peace.  
     Post
 
   
01:02pm 29/12/2002
  Hey hey. I don't think I've written in a while so I thought I would. My mom and Randy just left to take my dad's shit to storage and go eat. Which is much appreciated. I'm slightly coming down...thank god that it's nowhere near as bad as previous experiences. I just REALLY, REALLY want a cigarette. A good, old fashioned Marlboro Red. Ahhh...heaven. And I'm not in it. Dammit. I'm thinking about going into Job Corps myself now. I dunno. I have to think a lot about that one. Anyway...I'm sick of typing already. More later. Peace.  
     Post
 
   
02:20am 24/12/2002
 
mood: bored
Damn...it's like 2:10 in the morning and I'm still awake. Earlier today, Heather came over and smoked a couple bowls with me, and left a bowl when she bounced. I was tired then, dammit! I just took 2 tablespoons of nyquil...so I have about half an hour left 'til it starts to kick in..."Today, I'm dirty...I want to be pretty...tomorrow, I know I'm just dirt"--the nobodies I still miss Larry hella. Hey...Merry Christmas Eve! Tonight is present night. I believe I got the Chevelle cd from my sister. Really want to be listening to that soon. I have to go buy Larry's present today. My parents were going to pick it up for me yesterday, but they didn't have it at Wal-Mart (fucking figures). And we WERE going to go get it today at Best Buy when Randy got off of work, but my parents didn't bring their happy asses back home until like 11:45. So it's for today. I'm getting him the Marylin Manson Guns, Gods, and Government World Tour on video. "Prick your finger, it is done, the moon has now eclipsed the sun. The angel has spread it's wings, the time has come for bitter things." -- Man That You Fear Ok, well I'm going to go have a smoke and lay my lonely ass in bed and hope for sweet dreams. Aahh...what am I going to do with myself? Peace
 
     Post
 
   
11:29pm 23/12/2002
 
mood: good question
"Waiting like a stalking butler, who upon the finger rests. Murder now the path called must we..." Perfect music for my mood, whatever that is. I'm in a stitch at the moment (actually all day), and I can't for the life of me figure out what I feel. I feel too much, possibly, so I have to fade it out. I know I miss Larry, though. And I know that I'm hurt by the fact that he didn't call when he said he would, but girls really know better than to believe guys with that promise. Still, it hurts. And I'm bored out of my mind. See another thing that I feel something about is how Larry is always out with his friends when I'm not there. I don't know if I'm angry or just wistful. I feel lonely over here. I mean, Heather's not technically supposed to hang with me (parents..you know the drill), I barely ever see Tony, Dave, or Circle anymore. All of my friends are in Henderson. I mean, sometimes I feel content out here, but it's becoming rarer with each passing day. I hate being so far away from everything I want. Especially Larry. In my opinion, I don't get too see him nearly enough. On to some other topic. I can't sleep for shit lately. I don't know why. Last night, after I got back from the hospital, I didn't fall asleep until about 5 in the damn morning. And it was shitty, disrupted sleep when it finally came. Oh yeah...I didn't write in here about the hospital. My dad's in the hospital in a diabetic coma...although he's doing better today...a little responsive...but he's still on life support. I'm not shocked in the least. We all knew it was coming at one point or another. Tomorrow's Christmas eve...whoo hoo. I'm just not in the spirit of Christmas. I wish I could spend it with Larry. But maybe it won't be so bad. Hopefully. I'm just tired of fucking missing Larry. I mean, seriously. I have to get a grip on this shit or else how in the hell do I expect to get through the year he'll be at Job Corps? It's usually better when I have things to do to occupy myself...namely chilling with other people (well, people I can stand). I think it all boils down to loneliness. Yup, I do believe I'm right on this one. See, I knew I'd figure it out. I'm a goddamn genius for chrissakes. Anyway...I'll quit my bitchin for the moment and try to occupy myself while I attempt to be successful in my quest for sleep. Wish me luck. I need them both. Peace.
 
     Post
 
   
01:39pm 17/12/2002
  Hey hey hey...things have been pretty...amazing....and hectic...in my head and such lately or else I would have written sooner. Like on Sunday...when I got ENGAGED. OMG...I am so happy! And tripped out too...it's so great though. We're getting married when he gets back from job corps. Yeah...it's a while away. But you know, who cares, really? We're engaged. *pause to reflect* hehe God I'm just so happy about this. And he's coming to see me tomorrow. He told me he wanted the wedding day to be October 26th...which by the way is the day we started going out. How fucking sweet is that??!! Well, I'm gonna go clean now (ugh) but I'll write later. Peace!  
     Read 2 - Post
 
   
04:38pm 13/12/2002
  Ugh. I fucking hate computers. No clue what the fuck is wrong with this keyboard...it's brand new. Anywhoo..quick update...Devon left for Job Corps on Tuesday. I cried. Yeah. And I still haven't worked since last Friday. I better work tomorrow or I'm gonna start getting pissed. I miss Larry. A lot. Dammit. Ok. Gonna go now. Peace.  
     Read 1 - Post
 
   
02:41am 06/12/2002
 
mood: blech
Ugh...coming down is always a bitch. I feel insanely sick. I smoked this shit at like, almost 6 and it is just now wearing off. Not too shabby...I just hope that I'm not too damn tired when I have to go to work. Damn this keyboard's loud. I miss Larry already. How pathetic I must be. Oh well. It feels good. Well, I guess I didn't really have anything to say. Just bored. Okey. Peace.
 
     Post
 
   
11:06pm 05/12/2002
 
mood: mixed--who knows
Hey hey. Well, I basically just got back from Larry's house. Maybe like a half an hour to 45 minutes ago. Who cares. I had to wait for my mom to get off the phone so I could write. I should have been writing more often, but you know how it goes. You get caught up in life and you forget to stop and think about it. Devon leaves for Job Corps on Tuesday. In Reno. It's funny...I've known him for like a month or so, but I'm really gonna miss Spic (Dev). He kinda grew on me. It's gonna be hella weird without him being a smartass and talking shit to people all day. I'm glad I enjoyed the past month because hella shit is changing. And fast. Pretty soon, Larry's gonna be telling me that he's leaving, too. He has his orientation tomorrow. This hella sucks. Ahhh.."Mayonaise". Oh...Quick thought...came to me while slightly clucked (yes, I did slip. Don't hate me. It's not often). Me and Heather kept hearing Amanda Perez's song "Angel" today at Larry's. When it came on for like the 7th time and we made Larry keep the station (everyone else had gone by now), I was hella getting into the song. Eyes closed, singing deep within my body, that kinda stuff. Anywho, I remembered that I used to sing that about Tony. "God send me an angel--from the heavens above--Send me an angel to heal my broken heart--From being in love--Cause all I do is cry--God send me an angel--To wipe the tears from my eyes." I used to basically pray with that damn song. And then...all of a sudden...I got my angel. And I blurted it out to Heather and Larry, too. About how I used to sing it about Tony, and that I got my angel. And I just looked at him. And he looked back. That LOOK. And then, fuckin Heather, man (gotta love her), says, "Aww how sweet." But it's true. I probably wouldn't feel so together...good...happy...if he hadn't come along. Coz I was drowning from Tony. Anywhoo...I got a job, dude! Start tomorrow. It's for Ray's parent's, Scott and Teresa, with their private business. No tax (definite plus). It pays $50 a day, on weekends. Which cuts back on my weekends at Larry's hella, but I'll just try to get over there early during the week and spend a couple nights. He's spending tomorrow night with me. Yay :) Cigarette money! Clothes money! And can't forget...SHOES money! And of course I get to have a bit o' fun now...muhahaha. Oh dude...my mom and Randy are trying to work their shit out together. So that means Peter's out of the picture. But you know the best part of this in these recently passed days? I got caught hella stoned (me and Heather) and I didn't get in any kind of trouble. I was just told to be responible about it. And I was also given a suggestion by Randy..."Don't eat, you don't want to ruin it yet." That was a fucking trip, dude. Even more of a trip: me, Heather, and Dave smoked out with Randy yesterday. And my mom smoked with Randy in the bathtub (she must be shy..). And I got a baby pipe out of it, too. I have been a very happy little girl lately. My computer fucking sucks. It's too god damn slow. I should probably hella sleep. But I just don't wanna. And I need a cigarette. I only have one left. And I got them at like 1:30 this afternoon. I mean, yeah, I shared and all, but god damn! That hella sucks. Oh and I have developed a new addiction: Crash Bandicoot Warped. I get hella stuck on the shit. I get shit for it all the time now from Devon, Heather, and Larry. Oh well. Ok well, I should stop talking now coz it's just gonna turn into pointless bullshit babbling (or it has already..). Aight. Late.
 
     Post
 
   
09:15am 26/11/2002
  Hey hey hey. Just got back from Heather's house. I didn't really thinkme and her would fall back in as friends. But I told her about all the things that have changed with me while we were laying in bed last night and she accepted them. Anyone who would accept the old person that I was over this one is pretty fucked in the head. I miss Larry like crazy. I took yet another pregnancy test for my mom yesterday morning and surprise surprise, it was negative yet again. But I guess she wants me to go for blood work just in case, or some shit. I swear, they never quit. I don't know what I would do if I were pregnant though. Larry said that he would want to raise it with me. He feels the same way I do about it. And the responsibility. But you never really know until it happens, and I don't plan on finding out any time soon. But you know, when you think you're pregnant for a while and then you find out you're definitely not, there's always a little bit of a let down in with that relief. I finally feel better. I've been fucking sick since last Sunday. Like, puking, can't breathe coz my throat, crying, pain....even while I was staying at Larry's house over the weekend. It fucking sucked. I think I got him sick, but he's completely different from how I was. Hmm... I gotta get the number for the Independent Study office from Heather today and call. I've been out for waaay too long. I'ma have to work my ass off for this. I need all my credits from this year, and I don't know if I'm gonna take them for next year's too. Probably, coz it should be faster. Heather said your goal in Independent Study is to get a credit a month. So I could finish this year like, before this year is over. The only thing I should have trouble with is math and I'm in my last year, so at least I wont have to worry about that for too long. I don't know. I just want to hurry and get that shit back on track. Well, I'ma go clean real quick so's not to get the formidable "bitchout" that comes from neglecting it. Oookay. Peace. Late.  
     Post
 
   
01:54pm 19/11/2002
  This song never meant much to me before. Until I really listened to it, that is. I dedicate this song to all those who are in pain from life.

We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside
This holy reality, this holy experience.
Choosing to be here in

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion.

Alive, I

In this holy reality, in this holy experience. Choosing to be here in

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion.

Twirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing.

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember. We are eternal.
All this pain is an illusion.
-TOOL "Parabola"
 
     Read 1 - Post
 
   
01:07am 17/11/2002
 
mood: high
Just got back from the Hemlock concert with Larry. It was great. I didn't get to get in the pit coz my knee got fucking kicked and it gave out, but I still had a damn good time. Especially because I was there with Larry. God I've missed him so much. When he walked me to my door, he was like, "Why do we have to leave each other?" All I wanted to do was go to his house and fall asleep in his arms. I hate sleeping now because I feel so lonely. Especially when I wake up and his arms don't squeeze me and pull me in for a kiss. I wrote yesterday about me talking to Josh (he called twice last night), but I don't think I posted it. Who knows, I'm a burnout. In a good way. Hehe...just finished a scoop of chocolate Crunch ice cream. ::munchies:: 'Twas yummay indeed. Anywhoo, just wanted to update and I'm tired off my ass (I kept passing out in the car on the way home. So I'll talk to ya later. Peace.
 
     Post